Let's meet again
by tachitachi
Summary: To him they had always been like a dream, but dreams weren't meant to last. [Now uploaded on AO3]
**Let's meet again**

Under the starlit night sky, seated upon the fence, he could see her silhouette, solemn and slouched. The flickering candlelight that cast her shadow along the ground was a sharp contrast to how cold it was and how lonely she looked. Her hair had gotten all tangled up from sitting in the wind. The weather was precarious; they seemed to be mere minutes away from a raging storm - and it was so typically her, he noted. Her entire life had been an ongoing storm of ups and downs, highs and lows, without any in-betweens, yet in its tragic build-up she managed to look beautiful, unwavering. That had been exactly what had made him fall for her in the first place, he remembered.

 _Upon meeting her for the first time, he had been struck by awe and stunned to silenced by her breathtaking features. In every last inch of his being he had felt his heart beating erratically. In that very moment he had already known. He'd known that with her he would laugh and he would cry. That together they would explore the world, whether it would reach as far as the walls or way beyond them. With this girl, whom he had only gotten a glimpse of, he had known he would grow old. He had known the last days of their lives would be spent together._

 _Despite all those overflowing thoughts in his moment of realization, he had been at a loss for words. "You have beautiful hair…," he'd said, anxiously, as a last resort to make sure she would notice him. He had swallowed hard, then, hoping that hadn't sounded as stupid as it had in his head. He couldn't have made a fool out of himself the first time he'd ever spoken to her, right?_

 _As she turned around all of his worries had been put to silence. "Thank you," she'd replied and while she had turned back to leave a smile had formed on her lips. With that his feelings had been confirmed once more; one way or another, he would keep trying until someday she would recognize his efforts to make her happy, to see that beautiful smile again._

He came to a stop a few feet away from her, a lump forming in his throat as he was overcome by a feeling of melancholy. As slouched as she sat in front of him, as tangled up as her hair was, as fast as the candle made her shadow dance across the ground; she looked as beautiful as ever. Even if just for a minute, he wanted to cherish this moment as he could already tell this was the calm before the storm. She'd asked him to come out here, of all places, after all.

 _At the far back of the training field, behind the spare stables that hadn't been used for as long as he could remember being there, he'd found her. Much like himself she'd been soaked and shivering from the cold. Nonetheless she'd been there waiting for him. At the sight of her he'd realized two things: that he would always be at her mercy and that he hadn't had any idea as to why he'd been there, but he'd been nervous as though it had been their first meeting all over again._

" _Hey!" he'd shouted, quite obnoxiously in hindsight. She'd been startled by his sudden outburst. She'd turned around with widened eyes and her hand had instinctively pulled up her scarf. It had seemed to him that she'd felt embarrassed, caught doing something she really shouldn't. When she'd noticed it had been him, she'd relaxed more, but not entirely. "Hey," she'd spoken quietly._

 _For what had seemed to be the longest time ever, they had just stood there in silence with the rain pouring down on them. If they would stay for much longer, they'd surely get scolded they next day for catching a cold, he'd thought. It had been as if she had read his mind when she'd spoken up a second later._

" _Sorry, you're cold because of me," she'd almost whispered. That had been her best attempt to start a conversation on something he'd thought had weighed very heavy on her heart. He'd told her 'that's okay' and had given her an expectant look. After another, this time short, silence he'd seen her muster up all the courage she got - which had been a rare sight. After all, she'd already had the reputation of being their strongest, most courageous one ever since their trainee days._

" _I always think he needs me," she'd started, and he'd wondered why she'd been talking about_ _him_ _, "but he doesn't. I want to protect him, but he keeps pushing me away and lately I've noticed… what he needs is someone who doesn't baby him." She'd averted her eyes._

" _Everyone's got their hopes up because of him, but he can only do his part and hope he won't go berserk. He needs someone who doesn't protect him, but all of us instead." By now he'd been wondering why any of this had involved him talking to her in the rain. It hadn't been that he didn't care, because he_ _did_ _. It had just been the fact that everyone knew what her life revolved around and it really hadn't been so much of a secret to have to meet out in the cold._

" _I always thought you were short on attention and that you were being an asshole just for the heck of it…, " and with that he'd even been hurt, "but you really aren't, right? I was wrong all along. When all of us needed it most, you were the one to fire everyone up; to remind them of why we were there. You even joined the Survey Corps. He doesn't need me, he needs you…"_

 _Silently, without looking into his eyes, she'd stepped closer. She'd reached out. She'd taken another step. He'd been so taken aback that his mind had gone blank. He'd only been able to stare straight ahead while his paralyzed body had struggled to register what had been happening. Her words had registered even later. "All of us do."_

 _When she'd finished her voice had been barely a whisper. It even could have been his imagination taking a walk with the wind; but he'd heard it - "_ _I_ _do."_

He knew he couldn't keep stalling, so he climbed on the fence and sat down next to her. "Hey," he said; not as loud and careless as before, but in a gentle tone instead. She looked at him and gave him a silent nod. The look in her eyes, so empty, told him she had no idea what to say. He wanted to reach out and hold her tight, needed to comfort her, to tell her it would be okay, but he couldn't. Although his heart crumbled at the sight of her like that, there was nothing he could do.

His throat seemed to tighten all by itself, urging him to cry - but he shouldn't and he tried his best not to. He knew it too, he'd known it for a while… that the last of many firsts had been just around the corner waiting for him.

 _It had been an unbearable day, he remembered. The sun had been merciless; leaving them no choice but to halt training and similar activities in order to avoid getting burned. She'd been looking for him all over the place she'd said. She'd asked him if he wanted to go swimming. There was a lake on the terrain, after all, and it would help them cool off._

 _Minutes later she'd come out of her room in a bathing suit and had left him speechless. It hadn't been like they hadn't seen each other in swimwear before; it had been the fact they hadn't been together before. The moment he'd seen her and she'd seen him had just felt so intimate. In her bright red bathing suit she had looked so sophisticated and she'd come out like that for him alone - even if just for those few seconds._

 _It had made him a little self-conscious. He'd never bothered to impress anyone with his body, but when he'd seen her, he'd wondered if they would look good together, if he wouldn't look out of place next to her. To his surprise, she'd taken his hand and had smiled at him brightly. He'd been unable to hold back a smile himself. It had been just like her to be shy about something, but do it nonetheless, as if it wasn't a big deal. He'd known, though. To her it had been just as much of a big deal as it had been to him._

 _A few weeks later they'd been sitting next to each other, covered in a blanket. She'd hugged his arm, her head on his shoulder. A candle had cast their shadow along the wall and the rain had been ticking on the windows quietly. They'd made a habit of seeking each other out late at night. They would just sit, snuggle up to each other and talk. She would tell him about her past and he would tell her about his. He'd been her shoulder to cry on while at the same time she'd been his reason to smile. It had been just like he had always imagined; even better perhaps. Within those damned walls and with death and injury just around the corner on a daily basis they had found a place where they belonged._

 _Even in the tiny details he'd found that he truly loved her. The way her eyes always seemed to light up when she smiled had been his favorite thing about her. He'd seen those eyes, heavy with worry or despair; they had always been sorrowful by default, but when she was happy - damn, when she was happy all of that would be long forgotten._

 _He had looked at her then, smiling when he'd noticed she had fallen asleep. When she slept it was gone too, he'd thought. She had looked so peaceful._

 _It had been another one of such nights that he'd looked at her and had found her looking back. She had looked calm, as if for once the weight of the world wasn't weighing down on her shoulders. She was so fascinating, he'd thought, when he'd seen a smile reach her eyes before it had been on her lips. His heart had just about leapt out of his chest when he'd realized she had smiled at him alone, because of him alone._

 _He had frozen in his place then, as once again he'd been taken aback by her actions. It had only been a light caress, a swift touch, but her lips had been on his. Later he had wondered if that had counted as his first kiss. At that moment such thoughts had been far from his head, though, as he had been met by a shy smile. He had thought himself a fool when a blush had crept its way on his face, along with that same smile._

 _Whether to hide his embarassment or for entirely different reasons he didn't know, but this time he had been the one to move in first. Their lips had touched once again, more firmly. Hers had been so soft he had felt his heart overflow with a stronger love than he had ever felt before. It had only been when they had parted and she'd reached for his cheeks that he had noticed he'd been crying. "I love you," he'd blurted out next without thinking. A fool indeed, he'd thought, but she had kissed his cheek and smiled; it had been alright._

He looked away now, afraid his tears would spill out. He stifled a sob as their memories flooded his mind. From the very start he had realized their being together was like a dream… and dreams weren't meant to last. Now that the images of them growing old together started to fall apart, he felt his world shatter to pieces. He had seen this coming, though. He had been prepared. He knew it would be for the better. It just hadn't felt so real before and now he dreaded losing her.

"I'm sorry," she spoke up for the first time since he had arrived. "N- no it's not your fault…," he said quietly, "I- I mean it's okay, right?" He couldn't keep his voice from shaking, "I'm sorry." Why was it so difficult?

She nodded once and closed her eyes. Just like the first time they had been there, she was gathering all her courage. That was when he noticed it was difficult for her as well. Of course it was. After all, she was blaming herself.

 _He hadn't known when she had changed so much from the time she had confessed to him. It probably hadn't been as black and white as that, he'd corrected himself. Perhaps it had been a process that had already started at that very moment. Either way, he had felt a shift in what he had dubbed their dream to himself. She had become more and more aggressive, leaving little to no room for them to love anymore._

 _At first he had been confused as to what to make of it. Had it been his first time seeing her bad side or had it been a rooted problem? However, he had soon realized it had been her nature. In hindsight, he'd thought, he should have seen it coming. Her life had always revolved around_ _him_ _. He had never blamed for that, nor had he when their love had started to fall apart. It had been an essential part of her being, a passion without which she would never be herself. It had just happened to be their downfall as well._

 _She had admitted to him and to herself that he was the one everyone needed, he was the one who could best help_ _him_ _. She had told him that was exactly why she needed him as well. The more he had proved to be presicely that, though, the more irritated she had become. Not because he had been better than her, but because she had been unable to fill the place that had so easily moulded itself around him. She had started to feel more and more useless and hadn't been able to bear being around the person who was all she had wanted to, but could never be to_ _him_ _. It had slowly eaten away at her all that time._

He had understood that much, even though she had never told him. Even now, when he felt like he could turn to dust any minute, he understood. It was just her nature. Although they both loved each other very much they couldn't continue like that. They would eventually destroy each other while mercilessly crushing all of their good memories, whil it was better to preserve them, cherish them so that their love wouldn't be a wreck to look back on.

"It's alright," he spoke, "I understand. It's better this way. Let's… let's meet again when we're friends." He had chosen these words carefully, to tell her this was a mutual understanding and that he didn't want to ruin what they had had together. He knew it would take a while for them to adjust. After all, they couldn't say they didn't love each other anymore and she was so torn by her own feelings.

One look into her eyes told him she was slightly relieved he had done what she couldn't muster. It took all he had to force a smile on his face and walk away without touching her, without saying anything. If he did, he knew he would shatter their resolve and they would continue to tear each other apart. As he walked back to his room he didn't once look back, nor did he hope they would be together again. It hurt, but he knew they had done the right thing. The next time they would talk to each other they would be friends and it would be okay.


End file.
